Hello, my name is Ted Newley, and I am running for Congress as a representative of the Enchanted Forest. I want to represent all woodland creatures such as elves and dwarves. In short, I want your vote. I’m a reformer among reformers and I think that I can do the best job for the Forest. Let me share with you my platform.
I have big plans for the little citizens of this area. My major goal is to reform health care with the following actions:
1. Extend Medicare’s drug plan to include magical potions. Far too long western medicine has come in with its mass-produced medicines that do nothing but cause rashes and diarrhea. I would force the federal government to open up its coffers to the healing power of the eye of newt and wing of bat.
2. Allow benefits for trips to gypsies and fairies. American physicians may have many years of training, but they still don’t know how to properly predict the future or heal a broken heart. Through the power of tarot cards and palm reading, a soothsayer can accurately tell you when you’re going to die. Further, there is no pain like that from a broken heart. A fairy should be able to enchant your heart and find your one true love. Once you have that, there is not much more that can harm you.
3. During the Great Depression the chant was “a chicken in every pot.” I advocate for pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. We need to ensure that healthcare provides a holistic healing for the patient. What better way to do that and to provide the necessary funds for getting a taxi ride, hiring a babysitter, and purchasing pet food?
If you agree with me on my plans for the future, vote for me this November. You can meet me in person on October 8. Food will be supplied by the Keeblers.