I recently stumbled upon the blog Stuff White People. Although not medically related, it’s very funny in that it touches upon many aspects of white culture and things that White people claim to love, such as coffee, Asian women, soccer, and Barak Obama. Using that site for inspiration, I wrote this piece about White people’s need to fix healthcare in America. I tried contacting the owner of the website to see if he wanted publishing rights. He never wrote back.
White people are always trying to collectively fix the nation’s woes. They figure that with all of their genius and talent, they should be able to come together as a group and clear any one of the country’s problems, usually as a result of what they’ve seen on the evening news.
In the past White people have tackled airline safety, rebuilding New Orleans, and Terri Schiavo. This year White people have decided to take on healthcare. They like to throw around words like “health disparities” and “47 million uninsured Americans.” Never press a White person for further clarification as to what a disparity is or why having uninsured Americans is so bad. You’ll only create problems for yourself. Instead, simply nod your head and say, “We’re the only industrialized nation that doesn’t have a national health plan.”
While White people are eager to increase access to physicians for other people, they are wary of the black magic and side effects that result from using Western medicine. They are quick to point out that herbal remedies can be used to treat depression, lower blood pressure, and cure cancer, all without any of the side effects that prescription drugs cause. If you would like to open an herbal remedy store and make lots of money from a White person, be sure to use a least two of the following buzzwords:
Endorsed by Chuck Norris
Occasionally, a White person might demand more information about a particular remedy you’re suggesting. In that case, be prepared to print out an article from Wikipedia, as it usually has all the answers. White people never bother to look farther than that.