Doctor Bot 2.0

January 7, 2008 at 12:47 am (Uncategorized)

Hello, I’m the Doctor Bot. After some serious upgrades my creators hope that I can be of assistance in your healthcare needs. While we admit that the Doctor Bot 1.0 may have caused some serious malpractice, I am certain that this new version will be a more accurate. Also, we’ve replaced the whiny voice with one that users say is more soothing and comes with better bedside manner.

I have many sophisticated algorithms with which I can diagnose almost any disease. You see, medicine has become so easy that a few mouse clicks is all that’s needed to handle most problems. Why spend so much money on a visit to seven years of training, when the Doctor Bot is here now? And if that’s not enough, I come equipped with a full laboratory.

Provide me with a sample of blood and I can tell you if your cholesterol is elevated. I can even write a prescription for your favorite statin. If it’s chest pain that you have, I’ll show you how to connect the leads to the EKG machine so I can get a reading of your heart. Don’t worry; I’ll walk you through the process and show you how it’s all done.

To begin, swipe your insurance card. I accept most major brands, including PPO’s and HMO’s.

You have selected… uninsured. That’s okay. We will be able to subvert funds from taxpayers to cover this visit. Now, take a look at this picture of the human body and simply point to the area with the problem.

You have selected… abdomen. Now say aloud what the problem is.

I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Please say that again.

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you. Please say that again.

I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you. Please say that again.

Kicking the machine won’t help.

I’m sorry that I could not be of more of assistance. Hello, I’m the Doctor Bot. After some serious upgrades my creators hope that I can be of assistance in your healthcare needs…



  1. REO SpeedDealer said,

    To hell with Doctor Bot, our ingenious patients have the medical degree already installed on their browser… webMD and a million other crackpot sites where they “diagnose” themselves and then come to us to disagree with our teensy decade long education.

    Nope, no sarcasm here…

  2. halfmd said,

    After recurrent bouts of abdominal pain, I looked online and found out that I have chronic pancreatitis. Thanks to Wikipedia, I discovered that I needed to give myself a Whipple as the only cure. The anesthesia was a bit tricky, but luckily I’d had been watching and knew how to take care of things.

  3. doub said,

    Yes, because MDs are such experts. The MD is the only degree that lets you call yourself a doctor without being an expert at anything. It’s like going through undergrad again, but for gaining breadth in medicine. Then you get 3-9 years of OJT and get indignant when people who have specifically researched their symptoms propose questions or procedures. I suppose you think you have a better internal database of symptoms and diseases then medline?

    True, patient’s probably don’t understand everything they are reading. But then I’ve met doctors (yes, more than one) who apparently don’t know the difference between an artery and a vein. Nice post, half-wit.

  4. REO SpeedDealer said,

    Nope, I don’t have a better internal database than medline. I do, however, have vastly more experience than laypeople at physical exam, interpreting signs and symptoms, and filtering what is a true illness vs supratentorial hypochondriasis.

    Oh, and I know how to use the apostrophe correctly. By the way, genius, what do you do for a living? I’ll be showing up to your workplace shortly to tell how how to do it the correct way.

  5. Elaine said,

    Lots of bitterness towards the uninsured. My parents are extremely healthy, ski marathon races, never had a serious illness, and still pay $900/month each for their premiums. Imagine if they had a pre-existing condition.

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