Students storm surgery department, kill two professors

April 1, 2009 at 4:00 am (Uncategorized)

New York, NY—at 7:00 a.m. this morning 8 third-year medical students stormed the surgery department at Columbia University’s College of Physicians and Surgeons, killing two attendings and taking six more as hostages. Drs. Whittaker and Montgomery were executed by the disgruntled students who claim that they are seeking change. The names of the six hostages have not been released by police.

After a six-hour standoff, the group’s leader, Martin Rove, has agreed to speak with reporters. He stated that the hostages were being treated well and are currently eating, something that students aren’t allowed to do during their surgery clerkship. He also listed the group’s demands. “We want more teaching, less yelling, and no more black weekends.” A black weekend is where a student must come into the hospital both Saturday and Sunday, thereby ensuring his presence at work for 12 consecutive days. He has been the only identified hostage taker so far. The rest of the students have been covering their faces with surgical caps to prevent identification.

“John” is one of the third-year medical students involved in the siege. He asked that his real name not be given because he has not received permission to speak to the press. He paints a starker imaged than Martin. “The professors have been standing for hours at a time and are not allowed to go to the bathroom. We’ve been asking them embarrassing questions about relationships, sexuality, and if they think they will ever be granted tenure in the hopes that they will see how humiliating it can be in the OR.” John also went on to mention that some members of the group have been throwing surgical instruments on the floor and playing Cher at loud volume to simulate the sounds of an operating room.

Police hope to have the issue resolved shortly, but admitted that no one will miss these medical students or their professors should any of them be killed. Mr. Rove mentioned by phone that Dr. Whitaker was chosen for execution because, “He is simply the most unpopular teacher we’ve ever had.” Dr. Montgomery’s death was an accident and regrettable, says the group’s leader. “He was an 85-year-old dinosaur who merely could not take the stress of running upstairs and being corralled into a tiny office that was shared by others.”