Just look at this census. Many of these patients have been here over 2 weeks. Good lord! This guy has been here for 34 days. Just what is his deal? What’s that? You say that these are burn patients? Well if they’re just going to lie in bed all day and drink Ensure, they can do it at home.
Why do these patients’ families want constant updates? Good God, cut the umbilical cord already! Your 40-year-old daughter can deal with her subarachnoid hemorrhage just fine. If there’s ever a real emergency, I’ll give you a call.
Don’t these patients have anywhere better to go? Just look at the waiting room in the emergency department. Half of them are here just because they want a turkey sandwich and a bus token. They’ve got no real health issues. Maybe if they would go out and get a job, they wouldn’t have to constantly exploit the system. Hey, I see that guy wearing a gold chain. He had better not tell me he doesn’t have insurance.
Why the hell hasn’t the orthopedics resident returned my page yet? I’ve called him twice in the past 10 minutes. The last time I had to get a hold of them, they use some excuse about being in the OR for a trauma case. Don’t give me your mass casualty nonsense. If a busload of schoolchildren just happens to flip over while driving down the highway, there are certainly plenty of other hospitals that people can go to. But there should always be at least one person to answer my page.
There goes the psychiatry resident talking to himself again.
What does this attending think he’s doing, cutting in front of me in the cafeteria line? I’ve got to be at clinic in 15 minutes. And although he supposed to be there, too, he certainly won’t be seeing as many patients as I will. I hope he chokes on his chocolate cake. That was the big slice meant for me.
Why is this med student following so closely behind me? I know it’s his first day as a third-year, but does he really have to be my shadow? I think I’m going to have to run in a zigzag pattern and then duck behind a corner to lose him. Stop asking if “there is anything that you can do” already! I’m not the one who writes your evaluation. But if I did, I would say that you’re creepy and you know nothing about medicine.
Oh look, the nurses on the fifth floor are calling me again. I wonder what they want this time. I wish they would just learn to read my handwriting already and stop asking me stuff like, “What do you mean here?” I mean, give the patient his pain medication and stop pestering me.